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I need a new name. Well, not exactly a name, what I need is more
along the lines of a new title. And contrary to what I often tell
my son, Queen is not exactly the title I'm looking for (although I
do admit, it's a lot of fun!).
Since I became a single
mother, there's a lot of confusion on what to call me. People know
I'm no longer married, but they know I have a child. I also opted
to keep my married name (but not the man who came with it) so that
muddies the water even further. Do they call me Ms? Mrs.? Hey You?
It's becoming an
annoying problem. For instance, I went to the bank today and a
perky 22-year old clerk smiled at me and said, "How can I
help you today Mrs. Brucato?" I wanted to lean across the
well-polished countertopand say, "Well, you could begin by
not calling Mrs. Brucato."
This problem isn't isolated to just my bank --- each day I
run into scores of folks who assume I am married since I am always
being chaperoned by a ten year-old and his Gameboy. And there are
those folks who make a judgment call that since I am over 30, I
must be married to someone. Why do people default to the Mrs.
Title? And why aren't there more titles to choose from? When you
come right down to it, there is no real title I can give to people
and say, "hey call me this, I'm no longer married, but I am
still somebody's Mom."
I am resigning myself
to being known as a Mrs. It seems like a losing battle some days.
My son's school has always referred to me as Mrs. Brucato, but we
have an unspoken agreement about that. They get to call me Mrs.
Brucato, and I don't get the evil eye for not attending the PTA
meetings! It's not an optimal situation, but it works for us.
At every parent-teacher
conference for the past four years, I have sensed the hesitation
when it comes to actually greeting the teacher. This is odd
because I know that
the teacher (not to mention the principal, the janitor, the nurse
and various lunch ladies) is more than aware of every intimate
detail of my life, thanks to my talkative offspring!
When meeting teachers I
have been called Mrs. Brucato, Ms. Brucato, Miss Brucato or my
personal favorite, "Well hello there!" My son's teacher
this year has very cleverly managed to get around the entire title
issue by simply saying, "Well here's someone special!"
I give her points for creativity.
In business, I just
skip the entire title business and go right to my first name, but
in my personal life, finding the right title is still a challenge.
The title business has
caused quite a controversy amongst my friends and family. My uncle
feels I can still use the title, Miss, a point on which we
strongly disagree. First of all, the last time I went by the name
Miss Anything, people wore Earth shoes and used phrases like
"Far Out Dude." Also, one look in my mirror and reveals
enough lines on my face to start a tic-tac-toe game.
No, the title Miss is better used for those under the age
of 16, and for beauty pageant contenders, of which I am neither.
That takes us to the
title Ms. Call me old fashioned, but whenever I refer to myself as
or write the words Ms. before my name I feel like I should be
standing next to Jane Fonda burning my bra. My friends argue that
it is really the perfect title for the millennium, but of course,
none of them when polled would use the Ms title themselves, but
they are only to happy to watch me use it. Which brings us to the
title Mrs.
In legal terms, I
stopped being Mrs. Somebody four years ago. And since the end of
my 11- year reign, two other contenders have stepped up to wear
the crown of Mrs. Brucato, so it's fast becoming a minor fad,
(well, at least as long as my ex continues to marry).
And quite frankly, I don't want to be known as Mrs. Anyone
anymore. When I was Mrs. Somebody, I didn't feel like anyone at
all. I felt invisible and alone.
The day I became
officially single again was a day of quiet celebration, so unlike
the day I first became a Mrs. Instead of a reception hall filled with family and friends
spilling over with color and sound, I sat alone in the quiet
sanctuary of a judge's conference room. I faced a stranger who
signed a piece of paper proclaiming that I was no longer Mrs.
Brucato, I was just me. It was then I could have gone back to my
maiden name. I wanted
to, but my son asked me to keep Brucato. He wanted us both to have
the same name, and considering how he quietly accepted the
destruction of the only family-life he ever knew, I felt it was a
request that should be honored.
But despite the peace I
have found being divorced, I am still frustrated with this whole
title business. Why is it that a Dad can get divorced and still be
called Mr.? Nothing changes for him. There's no frustration, no
fuss, no muss. He starts out as Mr. Somebody and ends up the same
way. So why can't divorced mothers have a respectful all-purpose,
use-it-for-everything kind of title as well?
I suppose until someone
finds a better solution, I will just continue to muddle through
this title business as best I can.
I do have one title that seems to fit, at least outside my
office environment. When meeting other parents or teachers I
simply extend my hand and say, "Hi, I'm Pat, T.J.'s Mom.”
So far it works like a charm.
Pat Brucato lives
and works in Nassau County.
She is a freelance writer and works full-time as the Senior
Manager of internal communications for 1-800-FLOWERS.COM. She is a
former member of the Village Parenting Center of Huntington, (VPC)
an affiliate of NAMC. Pat
became a member of the VPC when her son T.J. was nine-months old. She created that organization’s first Working Mother’s
Support Group. Her
son T.J. is her pride and joy and is now age 10, and in the fourth
grade.
LIWomen.com, Pat Brucato and the National Association
of Mothers’ Centers welcomes comments.
Email feedback@liwomen.com.
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